Tired of these cycles

Hello.

I am again at my lowest point. This picture I’ve attached depicts my current state. It’s 24th February today and NEET 2025 is in May. Have gone through this Up and down, so many times in the 2 year journey. I feel like my emotions resemble the graph of sin theta now. It some times hits +1 (like when I got 688), some times 0, sometimes -1 (right now). 

Feelings feelings feelings, hormones hormones hormones, brain

I’m not giving time to study. I’m distracted for about a week now. I think overthink act less. I don't ask God for anything usually. Times like these make me beg God. This is the same situation where I was a year ago. After completion if class 11th syllabus by my coaching. This year, I had decided not to repeat it. I was so cautious from the beginning. But here I am, again after 12th syllabus completion. 

Its my fault. My mind is untamed. My bad Kevin takes over. Me kills me.

It is me who has to work and lift myself up. If I delay more, I, inspite of studying rigorously many times in these 2 years will be unable to get even 650. I feel bad. I am bad. I fear being average. I fear adult me criticizing me. Till now from birth, there is nothing great achieved by me. If I fail to tame my mind, I will undergo depression perhaps. 

Am I deserving? Will India benefit if I crack NEET? Should I be rendered unable to crack NEET because of my past and current sins? 

I don't know if God will give me my rank and marks that day or NTA and humanly exam will.

I know getting 700 in NEET (my goal) isn't that tough. I can do it. But only if I control my mind. 

Bye.

I am again trying to get back to superior Kevin.